Please be patient with me!

Okay, I have been chastised by more than one person for 'just dropping everybody' after we got home.  I need to remind you of a couple of things: 1) I don't like to write, and 2) I am now the mother of a 2-year-old and I am exhausted 24/7.  I WILL update this blog and fill in all the gaps, but right now I am loving every minute of being Hannah's mommy and watching Alexander be the best big brother ever!

In a nutshell, she is absolutely, totally, 100% so happy that sometimes she doesn't know what to do with herself. 

I am posting some pictures taken of her recently.  So, until next time, enjoy.

One day, I let her choose what she wanted to wear.  How do you not just LOVE that smile?!

What a sweetheart!

This morning, Hannah raided Xander's closet and put the hat on by herself.  Ah, those eyes.

So busy!

Sorry, but the past couple of days have been very, very busy.  I will update all the details after we get home.  In a nutshell, our last 'hurdle' was getting the immigrant Visa for Hannah from the American Embassy.  There was a possibility of getting a Serb who wasn't friendly towards children being adopted internationally, or having to wait for the Visa to be issued.  There was a miracle within a miracle on that one.

Stay tuned.

Ciao for now!

She's Got....Personality

I just wanted to briefly write down some of the things we have observed so far about Hannah:

5 Things she loves:

1.  Food.  I have only found 2 things she won't eat: grapes and oranges.
2.  Drinks.  Any kind.  At any time of day.  
3.  Baths.  She and Xander had a water fight tonight and she thought it was great.
4.  Music.  She likes to listen to it, she also likes to sing, and she likes me to sing to her.
5.  Mommy's undivided attention.  'Nuff said.

5 Things she doesn't like:
1.  Going to Sleep. Once she's asleep, she's great.  Just getting her to buy into the idea......
2.  Any kind of dirt or crumb on her hands.
3.  Being told she can't type on daddy's computer. 
4.  Being blamed for everything by Alexander.  Yep, it's started already. :)
5.  Mommy having the nerve to think she can eat a meal without feeding it all to her; or pay attention to anyone else for even a second.

Observations about Hannah (and I know some may be said of any 2-year-old, but still):
1.  She loves to tease and she's funny, too!
2.  She loves to be cuddled - yeah!
3.  She loves to be tickled and will let me know when she wants to be tickled.
4.  She wants to eat pretty much all the time.  She loves yogurt.  Yesterday we went to the store and she was upset about going into the store.  I picked her up and carried her inside, then when we got back to the dairy section I was looking for milk and turned around and she had filled the basket with yogurt and was quite proud of herself.
5.  When we go outside to go somewhere, she immediately says, "high" and wants me to pick her up.  I tell her she's fine and she can walk and she's pretty good for a little while before she tries again.
6.  She has learned to sign "more" and uses it without prompting.  We are now working on "please".
7.  She calls me "mama", "mommy", or "mom".
8.  If I try to change her diaper and she's not wet, she'll refuse to lay down.  Today she brought me a diaper and laid down.  Sweet.
9.  She is curious about everything.  E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G.
10.  She is loving and sweet and kind and happy and so very cute!

A Final Journey within our Journey

This morning we went back to the orphanage for the last time.  As we rode the elevator up to Hannah's floor, I asked Alexander if he thought she'd be mad at us.  He said, "She's going to be really mad with you, mom, but not with me and dad.".  Turns out he was right.  She didn't want to have anything to do with me.  I was a traitor who had earned her trust and then violated that trust by leaving her again.  I was heartbroken.  I picked her up (she still screamed and tried to get away) and tried to talk to her.  I told her why we had to leave her at the orphanage and that she was now our little girl and we would never leave her again!  She calmed down, but she still would not look at me. 

Her sweet, sweet caregiver had dressed her in a hand chosen outfit and tried to find her some nicer shoes for her farewell day, but couldn't find any that were her size.  She gave Alexander some fruit from the fridge (everyone gives Alexander things, which is so thoughtful).  We put on her coat and hat, got her purse, said "Ciao!" to the caregivers and her roommates and other children, and we left.  Again, Hannah was not happy about leaving - she had been tricked by this routine before.  She rode cautiously on my lap in the car (she still wasn't looking at me) and when we got to the apartment, she started crying again and I had to pick her up and carry her inside the apartment. 

It took awhile, and she wouldn't let me leave her side, but she finally forgave me and we are best of friends again.  She seems to be even more relaxed than she was the first time she was with us here.  She is watching Alexander and mimicking things he does, or she wants to do what he's doing, like go out onto the veranda.

I'm a little worried about what will happen when we leave the apartment again to go somewhere.  Hopefully, she won't think we're taking her back again.  I also think it may be quite a while before John and I are able to have a date night.

Right now she is taking a nap, along with Alexander, and now, John.  All kids asleep at the same time?  I must be a miracle mother!  I wouldn't go that far, but I will say this:  A miracle is anything that shows forth the power of God.  It is a miracle that I am Alexander and Hannah's mother.  And for this, and for all the miracles that have happened and continue to happen in my life, I am extremely grateful.

Surprise!

Gotcha!

And now, officially introducing for the first time, Helena Zorich!  Yep.  The minister signed our papers yesterday and our official adoption ceremony was today.  When we get back to the United States we will adopt her again and officially change her name to Hannah Lee Zorich.

Today we got up at 6am to leave at 8am for the town of Smederevo.  Hannah's birth parents live in this town and their center for family services was in charge of her case, so they were the officials for our ceremony.  Then, because Hannah was born in Belgrade, our translator went all the way back (45 km) to get Hannah's new birth certificate.  Once she had that she came all the way back again so we could apply for Hannah's passport in Smederevo.

A view of Smederevo from atop the fortress

The ceremony was so nice and intimate.  We were in a conference room with J, our translator, the center supervisor, their lawyer, the assistant director, and another assistant.  They had drinks and some yummy pastries and goodies for us.  Alexander had Pepsi and pizza rolls at 9am.....he was a happy boy.  Everyone got to say a few words to us about how happy they were for us and for Helena.  We read over the documents to make sure everything was spelled right and we signed the forms and it was done.  She was ours.  The supervisor had written a very nice verse for us about how wonderful it is that was are able to adopt Helena and give her a good home and he wished us the very best.  It was a lot more eloquent than that, but that was the overall idea.  We then received congratulations from everyone (you kiss the cheek 3 times in Serbia) and they gave me a HUGE beautiful bouquet of flowers, some gifts for Hannah and some gifts for Alexander. 

Red roses and Stargazer Lillies - the same that were in my wedding bouquet

Cars and puzzle pieces for Xander

 After the ceremony we had to wait for the birth certificate to come back so we spent the next couple of hours having a tour of the town.  We went inside the beautiful St. George Serbian Orthodox church, climbed the 15th century fortress built by Đurađ Branković, walked through the town square and strolled along the Danube River walkway. 

Atop the fortress, and the Danube river

Fortress Wall

We found the 300 Fitness Club.  If you join, you will look like this!

We then took the documents to the police department to apply for Hannah's passport.  When we were done we went to eat at a newly opened restaurant called "View".  It sits right on the Danube and we had fish soup and 3 different kinds of fish that were caught from the river.  One kind of fish (I forgot the name!) came whole and we just had to pull the spine out and eat the rest of the fish - there were no other bones.  All of the food was delicious, even the home made seasoned croutons and the Schwepps Bitter Lemon drink I had.  Seriously, how do we get this stuff in the states?!  After the fish was completely gone, we were all full, but somehow Baklava got ordered and I was elected to eat it.  I'm still not sure how that happened, but I was willing to make the necessary sacrifice. 

Fish head - yum!

The Danube from the restaurant 'View'

We were all so tired on the drive back to Belgrade, but I was mesmerized by the beautiful scenery and resisted the temptation to close my eyes so I could see what was next.  So many times I wish I could have taken a picture of the beautiful hills and trees, vineyards and orchards, homes, and tractors driven by little, old men with their wives riding on the trailer hitched on the back.  Alexander, however, slept almost the entire way.  Now he is wide awake and playing with his new toys (a red car and some neat puzzle pieces he can build with).  John is in bed asleep.  He didn't fall asleep until after 4am, so he was running on less than 2 hours of sleep today.  I'd say he did very well and is deserving of a long, peaceful night's sleep.  And he'd better enjoy it because tomorrow we go to get Hannah for good.  Anybody have any successful ideas of how to get a 2-year old to sleep without the aid of a crib? :) 

It was one of my favorite days ever - not just here in Serbia - and we are so grateful for all those who made the day wonderful for us.  It will be another day that we will not forget.

Right now we are smiling at the realization that we are no longer wethreezees.  We are now a family of four and we're going to need another email address to go with it.  Let the ideas begin!

And to our little miracle daughter, whom we have waited for so very long - GOTCHA!

Wow!

Two days ago we were asked if we wanted to try taking Hannah home with us and we said yes.  Approval was needed and we thought we might have it by that afternoon, but we didn't get it until later.  Yesterday we went to the orphanage and got ready to take her back to our apartment with us.  Since we didn't know how this would play out, we tentatively planned on bringing her back at 6pm.  Hannah was very excited to get her coat on and go outside, and she got into the taxi just fine.  She started dancing to the music the cabbie had on his radio and waved to all the other cars.  We got to our apartment and walked up the steps to go inside.  She was not happy about going inside the apartment.and I had to pick her up to take her inside.  I took her on a tour of the apartment, but she still kept taking me by the hand trying to take me to the door to leave.  I guess she decided not to fight it and began to explore the apartment.  In doing so, she began to be  very comfortable and came out of her shell more than we have ever seen.  She was playing with Alexander, getting into everything she could, babbling, pointing, smiling, laughing.  We were amazed.  It was like she was home. :)

So, it became time for bed and she started acting tired.  I took her into the bedroom thinking she would go right down.  Ha ha ha!  She started exploring everything on my nightstand - the Ipod, the books, the plane tickets I was using as bookmarks, the lamp that she kept wanting turned "On!".  (Other English words she knows are: mama, tickle, and banana, and I taught her how to sign 'more' and 'please'.  She loves using 'more' (she has quite the appetite) and she thinks signing 'please' is funny.).  Okay, so going to bed didn't work very well, so we went back out to the family room.  We watched 'Far and Away' and then tried again.  Yea, right.  I was a little nervous that she might not like that she was in a new place trying to go to sleep, so I played pretty gentle.  Then it got to be 11:30pm.  She was not about ready to settle down, so I had to help her along.  I held her and she kept trying to get away and this happened over and over.  She was crying and I realized that she was being a two-year old and testing me.  After a few minutes, she cried out, 'mommy' and I told her, 'mommy's here'.  That was when she went limp onto my chest, sound asleep, and she slept all night long.  Xander took these two pictures.  He's quite the photographer!

She woke up this morning at 8:00 and went right into the kitchen and opened up the refrigerator.  Apparently, it was breakfast time.  She had yogurt, toast, milk and juice.  I thought I'd better change her diaper - and she kind of put up a fuss.  The reason?  She was dry!  Then it was time to explore some more.  She loves to turn the lights on and off; she loves to put the dishes into the sink; she loves toy cars and her musical purse; she loves to dance (which is so funny, of course); she loves to tease; she loves to stick her feet in my face when I change her pants; she likes me to tickle her (she's ticklish everywhere); and she likes me to hug her and to hug me. 

She and Alexander are interacting like brother and sister.  She has allowed him to play with her and approach her without any reservations.  She watches him and then wants to do what he's doing.  John went and bought a package of diapers and Hannah decided she needed to take them all out.  Alexander decided that would be a fun thing to do, too.  In a few minutes, there were diapers everywhere.  They took a bath together and it was so cute to watch them.  Alexander LOVES his sister and she is starting to love him. 

 

She is becoming more comfortable with John.  She let him feed her a banana last night and she let him hold her hands while they danced together.  Today she gave him one of her diapers (she usually doesn't go near him), and we showed her how to give him a 'high five' and she would give him one whenever he asked.

Tonight we had to take her back to the orphanage.  Just as she didn't want to enter the apartment yesterday, she didn't want to leave today.  I had to pick her up and take her outside.  She was fine while we walked and sang while we were in the taxi.  She was fine when we entered the orphanage and I put her pajamas on and put her in her crib.  Then we were kissing her goodbye and telling her we'd see her later when the tears started.  I've never seen a lower lip stick out so far!  She cried and we had to leave immediately or I wouldn't have been able to take much more.  We walked back to our apartment and when we sat down to eat dinner, we talked about how much we missed her already.

It will be very soon when we get to be together forever.  That is if she ever forgives us for taking her back tonight.  :)

One Week

So much happens every single day that I know I miss a lot of details.  Before I update you on Hannah, I'm going to talk a little bit about how we are living here in Belgrade.  I want to remember the day to day things we did here. 

Belgrade is a big city with a lot of buses, cable car buses, taxis, cars and pedestrians.  The driving is crazy.  Everybody has smaller cars because the streets are very narrow and you park your car on the sidewalk.  There appears to be few rules for driving, so drive where you want to go, merge or let merge when you want, honk a lot, especially if someone is in your way or if they aren't going fast enough for you.  It's not road rage, though, like in the states, it's just telling someone to move.  We walk almost everywhere (so I had better see some scale numbers drop!) and usually take a taxi to the orphanage so we can get there faster.  We found a taxi driver we really like named Bena (Benny).  He speaks English very well, he is a safe driver and he doesn't smoke - yay! 

Shopping is different.  There is not a big Walmart every few miles.  There are small, small markets everywhere.  Did I mention they are small?  There is not even room to pass someone in the aisle.  There is a very small one directly across the street from our apartment and a slightly larger one down one block.  There are no giant sized packages of anything.  Milk comes in a 1 liter carton.  Anyone who knows how much John and Alexander love milk, knows we buy milk about every other day.  So if you go into Walmart you have the bread aisle, right?  How many different kinds of bread are there?  Bread here comes in very small loaves and you're lucky if you have 2 kinds to choose from, otherwise you just take what is there.  Eggs are brown and Alexander says they're brown because the chickens here lay their eggs earlier than the chickens in America lay there eggs.  He has an answer for everything.  One of our favorite treats here is peach juice.  It's amazingly good and we need to know who to bug in America to start making this stuff.  In the market are only groceries.  If you need soap, shampoo, toothpaste, etc.  you have to go to the apoteka. The closest thing we've found to a Walmart is the outdoor market.  We bought some really good fruit, vegetables, cashews and craisins.  But there was also fish, meats, cheeses, sundry items, clothes, sweets, plumbing parts, batteries, anything you can think of.

We live in a very modern apartment inside a nice building.  We haven't seen any single family homes.  I'm sure maybe on the outskirts of the city, but in the city it is just apartment building after apartment building.  We are one block away from Temple Square.  St. Sava Temple Square, that is.  It is a huge, beautiful cathedral that is currently being renovated.  We happened upon some sort of veneration service Sunday evening when we were walking home from the orphanage.  There were 2 Serbian Orthodox priests that were drawing a lot of attention from the crowd - people rushing to try and touch them.  It would have not seemed such a big deal had we not been right on their path towards the door.  We had little, old Serbian women practically trampling us to reach them, and we were trying to move as quickly as we could the other way.

Well, that's enough for tonight.  It's after midnight and I need to go to bed soon.  Without a lot of details, things with Hannah are going very well.  She loves me and wants my undivided attention, which may be another reason she's not so fond of John and Alexander, who knows.  She did allow John to feed her some bread at lunch time and take her out of a stroller.  She's trying to be so brave, but she can only take so much.  Tonight we went to a room that is on another floor of the orphanage and is set up for family interactions.  There are a lot of toys and bean bags, toys and books.  John and Alexander played a lot inside the room and Hannah led me out of the room - she actually wanted to go back down to her floor, but we stayed.  She wanted to sit outside the room and watch J & A from a distance.  She sat on my lap and we played a lot.  She smiled and laughed and had a fun time.  I was able to feed her dinner and she has come to learn that we leave after she eats dinner, so she starts crying.  Tonight we put her in her crib and got her ready for bed, and that seemed to help her not be so upset.  Me, on the other hand, not so much.  I would have slept on the floor next to her if they would have let me.

I keep thinking that it's only been a week since we have met Hannah and she has met us.  In that week, this little 2-year old girl has had her world invaded by strangers and been asked to change almost everything she has known in her reality.  What have you done this past week that has scared you?  Is it as hard as what Hannah has done?  I didn't think so.  Her life will continue to be turned upside down in the following days and weeks. Every time I think it's hard for me, I remember how much harder it is for Hannah.  What a strong, brave, wonderful, funny, stubborn, loving child of God.  She is my example and I love her so much!

And a little child shall lead them....Isaiah 11:6; 2 Nephi 21:6

I am mama!

Today we decided to take a different approach with Hannah.  We wanted her to have more contact with John and Alexander and see how she would react.  Again, when we came in she was happy to see me but not happy to see J and A.  We went into the big playroom and Hannah didn't want to go.  I let her take me down the hall a couple of times and then we went to the room.  She was not happy about going so she threw her sunglasses on the floor and then threw herself on the floor.  It was nothing like her former tantrums; she was just seeing what I would do.  I told her to pick up her glasses and bring them to me and she did.  Then she came with me into the room even though she was very nervous.  We just sat by the door and she watched J and A play.  Then she started looking through my purse and playing with things she found.  At that time, John came over to talk to me - not too close though.  He asked me if I brought our Serbian phrasebook with us and I got it for him out of my purse.  Hannah did NOT like that at all.  She started crying and throwing things, including herself, on the floor.  Hmmm, is she two years old or what?!  I told her that she couldn't do that and it was okay if daddy took something she wasn't using, etc.  She was crying and John asked if he could take her and try to comfort her and we thought, well, she's already upset, let's see what happens now.  She arched her back and tried to get away from him and twisted around to find me and yelled 'mama!' - twice.  Yep, she meant ME!  I then took her and held her to settle her down.  She was really upset and I had to hold her and sing to her and talk to her to calm her down and she also started chewing on her fingers.  She chewed on her fingers the rest of the time we were there.  I figure that she must be teething because yesterday she had a runny nose, too, but she's not sick.  After she settled down, I let her down and she laid stomach down on the floor with her head on my leg.  John decided to get close again, so he crawled on his stomach over to me and put his head on my other leg.  She thought about getting upset, but never did.  She just kept a very close eye on him.  We thought that maybe because he was down on her level and I was between them that made her feel okay.  Whatever reason, she let him talk to her and rub her back for a little while.

When it was time to go we took her back to her caregiver and she started crying and was so upset.  She wanted to stay with me.  Her caregiver put her in her crib and Hannah fell down and just wailed.  We could still hear her as we waited for the elevator and it was all I could do to not go back and get her and take her with us.  I almost started crying, too.

For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things.   - 2 Nephi 2:11

Soon, my tears will be those of joy, and I won't have to leave my baby and listen to her cry.  And that day is getting so close!

First Big Payday

Yesterday as we left to go see Hannah we took our usual route to the main street to find a taxi.  It was eerily quiet and we could hardly see any cars.  As we rounded a corner to the main road, we noticed the policemen lined up 2 dozen deep on both sides of the street.  We knew it had something to do with the protests from earlier weeks, but everything seemed calm so we crossed the street to get a taxi.  Usually taxis are lined up, but this time we had to wait a few minutes for one to show up.  He ended up being the craziest driver ever and one who felt free to smoke inside the small car and blow it back into my face right behind him.  Oh, did I ever mention that I get carsick easily sitting in the backseat of a car?  Thankfully, I didn't get sick, but I was close.  Anyway, we tried to turn right onto the main street to go to the orphanage and the police wouldn't let us go that way.  Super.  We had crazy smoker man driver (who later took a call on his cell phone and had people honking at him because he was weaving into whatever lane he wanted) AND we had to take the long way.  The long way took us left on the main road and towards downtown.  As we waited for a red light, throngs of people started walking up the street.  We started feeling a little nervous.  It turns out that a soccer game had just ended and the stadium is very close to where the orphanage is.  Okay, so as we are driving down the main street, we see policeman are lined up down the entire street for about another mile.  From what we hear there were no altercations, but it was still kind of weird to see. 

Eventually we got to the orphanage and when we arrived Hannah was getting dressed.  I went into the room and when she saw me she smiled.  When she sat up and saw John and Alexander she threw herself on the floor and had her tantrum.  We all went into the playroom and John and Alexander played while she sat on the floor and pouted.  She never took her eyes off of them and eventually decided all was okay.  At one point, Alexander and John hugged each other and I asked Hannah if she wanted to give me a hug.  She was still laying on the floor at this time, and she sat up and put her arms around me. She sat on my lap, ate chocolate and played with my hairbrush.  Alexander started playing with some cars and she started pushing cars back and forth with him.  She was okay when John came closer to her and let him drive a little car up and down her leg.

Hannah found a book and picked it up and then took my hand and led me out into the hallway.  She led me everywhere and we played with toys, looked out windows, and sat and read her book.  She found a ball and we started kicking it back and forth.  Then she picked it up and took me down towards the room that John and Alexander were in.  As we were walking toward the room someone in the TV room got in trouble and a caregiver raised her voice.  It scared Hannah and she turned around and went back down her hallway.  I'm pretty sure she was going to go into the room to play ball.  She did take me down to the room again and when I opened the door she looked in, saw John and Alexander and then she was done.  We went back the other way. 

As we were reading her book I would kiss her cheek and say "kiss".  Then I asked her if I could have a kiss.  She looked at me and walked away, then turned around and came back and gave me a kiss.  When it was getting closer to the time for us to leave, we were sitting in chairs by her room reading her book.  I told her it was getting time for me to leave and I would come back tomorrow to see her.  She climbed down from her chair and reached up for me to pick her up.  I picked her up and she put her arms around my neck and squeezed my neck.  She put her head on my shoulder and just hugged me.  Biggest payday yet!

A few times Alexander came around to play and she would let him play with her for just a minute.  They danced together for a little bit.  She allowed him to kiss her on the cheek, and one time I was holding Hannah on my lap tickling her tummy and then I would reach over and tickle Xander's tummy and they both would laugh.

She was still not willing to let John get too close to her again, but she didn't cry or get upset when she saw him.  She would just eye him very carefully, and she did let him kiss her goodbye. 

When I took her to her caregiver she started crying and throwing her tantrum.  She wanted to stay with me.  I kept reassuring her, telling her we would be back, but she was still upset.  After we got our coats we saw her down the hall again and she had calmed down.  She let us hug and kiss her again and we walked away without any trouble.

We were so happy to see progress with her regarding John and Alexander.  I was thrilled with the kiss, the hug, and (selfishly) even the crying when she didn't want to leave me.  We are definitely making progress in the right direction and we know it is because of all the prayers in our behalf.  We acknowledge the power of heaven as we try to increase our family, and know that it is God's will that she be part of our family.  We thank all of you who are praying for us and especially for little Hannah.  Your prayers are being heard - and felt.

Baby Steps

Today we visited Hannah twice.  In the morning she started out with crying and throwing her tantrum when she saw us.  I sat back and opened up Alexander's backpack that had crayons and coloring books and a Cinderella story book.  She wanted to look through the book and she eventually let me read it with her.  There were chickens on some of the pages and I started saying 'bock bock'.  Soon, when we would turn to a page with a chicken, Hannah would say 'bock bock'.  We played with crayons and drew pictures and put all of them into the pockets of her dress.  I let her dictate the closeness of our interaction and at one point we were calling each other on our phones.  She smiled and leaned in and touched her forehead to mine (she did this twice).  I took that as a good sign.

In the afternoon we returned again.  When we got there Hannah was not happy we were there.  Her nurses turned her over to us, though, and didn't interfere at all.  Although it was a little scary, I think it helped immensely.  Hannah realized that she needed to deal with us being there because no one was coming to her rescue.  At one point she threw herself on the floor and cut her lip.  I picked her up against her protests and took her to the sink in the bathroom and washed her lip.  She settled down as I wiped water across her mouth and she stared at herself in the mirror.  She allowed John and Alexander to be in the room with us and she even let John rub her head for a minute.  Then she decided he was done and she started up again. John and Alexander went down the hall and I held her to try and settle her down.  She finally relaxed into my chest and let me rub her back.  I sang to her again and just talked to her about everything that was going on with a soft voice. 

From that point she let me play with her and tickle her.  Then I asked her if she wanted to play.  We got up and she took my hand and led me down the hall.  A nurse gave her some deflated balloons and I started shooting them into the air.  She just laughed and laughed.  She would get the balloon and give it back to me and then take a deep breath in, in anticipation of the balloon launch. It would shoot above her head and she would laugh.  We did this for a number of minutes.  Then we walked around some more - each time her taking me by the hand and leading me where she wanted to go.  She was talking to one nurse and the nurse told her to go with her mama so she came over to me and took my hand and we left.  At another point we made it back to the same nurse and the nurse asked her where her mama was.  Hannah turned and looked at me and pointed to me.  I beckoned her to come to me and she ran over to me.  We brushed each others hair and put bows in our hair.  She didn't want anything to do with them until I put them in my hair and wore them around for awhile.  Then it was her turn to wear them. We had a wonderful time together. 

John and Alexander kept at arms length.  Every so often they would enter the scene and Hannah would allow Alexander to talk to me and not get upset.  He came when I was shooting the balloons and wanted to try it himself.  She sat and watched as I showed Alexander how to do it.  She let him kiss her on the cheek a couple of times, but she didn't want to linger around him.  (It became apparent yesterday that she is very jealous of Alexander and any attention that I give him.).  She was also more open to John's presence.  She didn't want him close at all, but she didn't start crying when she saw him or if he walked past her.  She also let him kiss her goodbye. (We think that she is nervous about John because she hasn't been around men at all.).

We left when it was dinner time.  She didn't want me to feed her, but she was especially upset when I let her go with the nurse and said goodbye.  She did not want me to leave.  We went and got our coats and bags and when we came out to get the elevator I didn't notice her down the hall but John did.  He said that she was straining to see me, so I looked down the hall and she was looking to see me.  I waved and blew kisses and she watched me and was okay. 

Overall it felt very positive.  John is struggling with seeing any progress since she won't let him be around to see it, but he was excited when I told him about our interaction and I pointed out the baby steps she had made with him and Alexander.

My favorite times today were this afternoon when she looked straight and deep into my eyes.  She held my gaze for a few moments and seemed to be asking, "Are you really here for me?"  "Do you really love me?" "I think I like you and I think I can trust you." "Don't let me down!"  She did that again a little while later as if to say, "I'm just checking to see if this is still for real.".  It was a real bonding moment for me and I think it was for her, as well.

Baby steps are happening, and in the right direction.  Please pray that she will start bonding with John and Alexander.

And thank you for your comments.  They are so helpful and supportive - more than you know.

Days We Surely Will Remember, part 2

Although I am completed exhausted again, I figure I'd better catch up on yesterday's events before I forget and get days mixed up.

Yesterday we went to the orphanage around 9:30am.  It was a sunny (but cold) day.  You must know that the last time we saw the sun was when we were dropped off at the airport in Salt Lake City last Saturday.  When we arrived in Belgrade on Sunday it was overcast and drizzly.  Monday, Tuesday and part of Wednesday were rainy, rainy, and rainy; with a 100% chance of gray skies, wind and cold.  Anyway, we decided to see if Hannah would like being outdoors so we all went outside.  She was willing to let us come, but she wouldn't let go of J's hand and didn't want us to get close.  She started acting a little tired so we went back inside.  She apparently didn't like that, and after we went inside she was still upset.  We tried a number of different things but she was just not interested.  We decided to come back in the afternoon.

We went back to our apartment and all 3 of us fell asleep for almost 2 hours.  Besides being physically tired, we were mentally and emotionally drained, as well.  The sleep felt good, but we probably could have slept for another couple of hours. 

As we returned to the orphanage around 3:00pm, John and I discussed our concerns.  We knew she wouldn't take to us instantly but she doesn't seem to like us at all.  To say we were discouraged would be an understatement.  When we arrived, Hannah seemed to be in a better mood.  We tried some different approaches, one of which included Hannah interacting with just me, and John and Alexander are present but not directly interacting with her.  Little by little, I was able to gain her trust and little by little we got closer and closer.  We played with her purse, her lip gloss, her glasses, Winnie the Pooh, and then we searched through my purse to find hidden treasures.  We found paper and pen, hand sanitizer, lotion, a translation book (which I turned into the story of "Princess Hannah"), my insulin pump computer (which she thought was a cell phone), and the best treasure of all - my camera.  I turned the camera on for her and it lit up and made pretty sounds.  She liked pressing all the buttons and when she found the photo button the flash went off and I made a funny face when it did.  That was a huge turning point.  Hannah kept pushing the button and I would make my face and she would laugh.  We did this for a few minutes and then she gave a heavy sigh as if she were tired.  I was tired, too.  During our interaction she had been sitting next to me on the couch.  At this point, I reached over and picked her up and sat her on my lap.  She did not protest.  I leaned back on the couch and she laid her head on my chest.  I held her and rocked back and forth.  I started singing "I Am a Child of God" and she didn't move a muscle.  When I was finished, she lifted her head and looked at me as if to say, "Why did you stop singing?".  I started singing another song and she laid her head back down again.  I sang and talked to her while she rested against me.  It was a magical moment for me.  It was dinner time, though, and we knew she needed to eat and we needed to go home.  As I took her down the hallway towards her room and her caregivers, she started whimpering and clung to me.  Yay!  She wanted me!  They brought her dinner out for her and that distracted her.  I tried to feed her, but she didn't want me to. 

It seems to be that she is overwhelmed by the three of us.  We're going to try to see if she will bond with me first and then Alexander and John.  As I was spending all my time with Hannah, John was spending all his time talking with J and the psychologist about the best methods of approach to use.  We left more hopeful that we came, but I think Alexander is confused by why she doesn't want to play with him yet.  As a mother, it's a very difficult thing to see.  John and I have tried to help him understand and he is so good and so willing to trust us.  He wants more than anything to have Hannah love him like he loves her.  We all want her to love us as much as we love her.  We're praying for another miracle.

Days We Surely Will Remember, part 1

I wish there was more time in the day to process what has happened and be able to write it down effectively.  I will do my best to share the happenings of the last 2 days, starting with yesterday.

Yesterday we woke up and got ready for our meeting at the MO.  Our meeting was at 11am.  J met us at our apartment and we walked to the meeting.  She briefed us on more details of what would happen at the meeting.  We also found out the day before that children are not allowed in the MO so she got clearance for Alexander to enter and come to the meeting.  We entered the room for our meeting and were introduced to a number of lawyers, psychologists, social workers, doctors, and fortunately, our translator.  The meeting went well and we learned about Hannah's background. 

Her married parents are young, and Hannah has an older sister born in 2006 (and now apparently twin siblings born this past July).  At 8 months pregnant, an ultrasound discovered that Hannah had Beckwith-Weidemann Syndrome.  Her parents researched the syndrome on the internet and decided it was something they were not willing to handle.  They asked doctors to perform an abortion.  The doctors told them it was too late to abort, so they decided they did not want her.  When she was born on August 27, 2008, her mother and father never even wanted to see her.  They told their family that she had died.  Hannah spent the next few weeks in the hospital as they stabilized her condition.  At one month 23 days old, she entered the orphanage.  If you do the math, that means she entered the orphanage on October 20, 2008.  Yesterday, the day we met Hannah, was October 20, 2010.  The only life she has ever known is her life within the orphanage. 

We were also told the specifics about her medical condition, of which we were already aware.  Then they asked us if, after hearing all the information, we still wanted to proceed with the adoption.  We said absolutely, and after they discussed follow-up dates for reports, etc. the meeting ended.  Alexander sat quietly in his chair and drew with his pens.  He won the hearts of all the people in the meeting and they couldn't compliment him enough about how well behaved he is.  The women love to rub his head and that perplexes him.  I told him it's because he's so cute and maybe he could teach them how to high five instead.  When we went to the orphanage one of the nurses immediately fell in love with him and started rubbing his head.  Today when we went back, the nurse saw him and lifted her hand for a high five!  At some point he had told her to do that instead!

From the MO we went to the orphanage.  We arrived at nap time.  Hannah had already been put down for her nap but was not asleep.  They let us go into her room to take a peek at her.  It was love at first sight in person for me and it was all I could do to walk out and let her sleep.  She was frightened by 3 strangers walking in and looking at her, and she started crying.  We went home, ate lunch, changed clothes and returned at 2:30pm.  Hannah was just waking up and again and was not happy.  She did not want to interact with us and we held back just watching her.  She finally allowed Alexander to approach her and they interacted very cautiously.  We had other children clamoring for our attention and it was fun to play with them.  Hannah watched us tentatively and eventually she let me have some stickers on my hand when I asked for them.  She loved her purse and the items inside.  We were able to get some cute pictures, which I posted yesterday.  Then J, her nurse, and the 3 of us took Hannah to get her pictures taken for her passport.  We took a taxi and as we crossed the street to the photo store, her nurse mentioned that it was the first time for Hannah to be walking on a street/sidewalk.  We parted that evening with Hannah being content to let us go. 

We knew it would be a tough day.  The reality of it was tough, and not something you can totally prepare for.  Intellectually, we know that a little 2-year old girl who has only known one home, one life, would not instantly take to 3 strangers who don't even speak the language that she knows, but our hearts are still so anxious to show her the love we already have for her.  Patience is essential, and Hannah will dictate how quickly the process of bonding will take.

Fortunately, tomorrow is a new day.

And here she is!

Hannah Photo Album

It's so late now that I won't write about the details of the day.  I will do that later.  I just wanted to post these pictures that we took today because, well, they are adorable!  Just for reference purposes, we brought Hannah a purse with some chocolate (seen on her face), lip gloss, a bracelet, and sunglasses inside.  I'll let you guess what she liked best.

Also, a friend gave me some stickers to use as a way of saying good-bye.  We used them earlier than good-bye, but when she finally warmed up to me, she put them all over my hand.

Hannah is adorable.  She is quite the fashion queen as seen in the pictures.  She is all girl.  And she has captured our hearts.

The Time Has Come

It seems like at least a week ago that we were at the airport checking in for our flights.  We left on Saturday morning and it is now Sunday evening.  So now we are already 2 days into our trip.  That part is pretty nice.  Being up for over 28 hours is draining, but amazingly, not too bad.  We were able to sleep a little bit on our flights and that made a big difference.  We have kept ourselves awake so we could try and adjust to the 8-hour difference as quickly as possible.

It is now 8:20pm and we're ready for bed.  Well, at least John and I are ready for bed.  Alexander is higher than a kite.  He slept the most, so this might be a problem.  He has been an absolute angel the entire way and we are so lucky that he is such a good traveler.

All our flights were great and all our luggage made it in tact, as well.  We were greeted at the airport by our caseworker who then took us to our apartment and made sure we got settled in and worked everything out with us and our landlord.  We have a nice apartment with a deep jacuzzi tub, a washing machine, a bedroom, a nice living room and small kitchen, and a nice terrace outside.  It's very cozy and we're trying to get used to it being our home for the next 3+ weeks. 

Our caseworker also took us on a tour of the neighborhood so we would know where stores and restaurants were.  She showed us a few bakeries and I've heard that we need to go to bakeries quite frequently.  I am not against this advice.  We also walked through an outdoor market and we'll be going back tomorrow to buy lots of fresh fruits, veggies, nuts, and of course, lots of cheese for John.

We had a successful dining experience for dinner, which is nice since so few people speak English.  We had a waiter that understood some basic words.  He gave us an English menu and we wondered if we should be adventurous and try fried brain, but decided to be safe and got some grilled chicken, grilled mushrooms, steamed corn and french fries. The only thing missing was mayonnaise for our fries. They also brought us a basket of bread that was delicious!  It will take a while to get used to people smoking inside - especially right next to us in a restaurant, oh, and no ice water to drink.

We should be going to bed right now, but we have found LIVE NFL games on TV, and we do have our priorities.  At least we get to sleep in tomorrow.....aaaahhh...... and then we'll go shopping for some food and a few supplies.  We'll walk around the neighborhood and get more acquainted with our surroundings. We also must find some candy.  J told us that Hannah likes sweets and may warm up to us more quickly if we bring her something sweet.  Ah, a girl after my own  heart.  Is there any doubt she's my daughter?

We are glad to be here safe and sound.  J has put our minds at ease about a lot of things.  She is wonderful and we're glad to have her here to help us through the coming weeks.  Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers as our journey continues.

The Countdown's On

4...3...2...1

Well, we're not quite there yet, but with our departure date looming ever closer, every second of preparation time seems more precious and the questions regarding our new life - and Hannah's new life, seem more poignant.

Are we prepared for this reality? Do we have everything she needs? What is she like? Will she like me? What does she like? Should I bring books, stuffed animals, toys? What kind of toys? I'm used to cars, cars, and more cars. Oh, and planes, trains and any kind of combat weapon. Should I bring a doll? What kind of doll? Where do I find a doll? Is her room ready? Will she like it? What does she like to eat? Will she be scared? How should I comfort her when she cries? Will she feel safe? Will she feel loved?

I remember having these same insecurities before Alexander was born. In fact, during church on the Sunday before he was scheduled to be born (he was C-section), I almost had a nervous breakdown because I couldn't stand not having the answers to these scary, unanswerable questions. Little did I know at that time that he had been born 3 hours earlier. I think my overwhelming emotions were due to the fact that my son had entered the world and I had become a mother.

Hannah is 2 years old. I had no knowledge of her on the day of her birth, nor in the next 19 months of her life. Six months ago I learned that she was alive. Six months ago we started a journey to do whatever we needed to do to bring her home. Six months ago we learned that we would need to travel half way across the world in order to bring her home. For the past 6 months, I have looked at pictures and small video snip-its of this beautiful, dark-haired, dark-eyed little girl, waiting to be her mother.

Now in less than 2 weeks, my daughter will physically enter my world. She has always been with me. In the many years of trying to have children, and even before we adopted Alexander, I knew I had a daughter. I have had that confirmed to me many times in many ways. It has been a struggle to find her. We have prayed to be led to her. We have prayed to have her led to us. So many times I have tired of the wait, the struggle, the faith required for this blessing, and I have tried to give up. I have tried to shoo away the spirit telling me to hold on and be patient - to wait for her to come into our family when Heavenly Father knows it will be right. I am grateful for children who say, "Wait for me! I'm coming!" and I'm grateful for parents who say, "We're waiting and we will wait until you get here!". I am grateful I didn't give up.

After so many years of waiting, the time is now at our doorstep. Am I prepared to be her mother? There is no real way of answering that question. All I have to go on is my knowledge that Heavenly Father knows me, He knows my husband, He knows my son, He knows my daughter, and He has brought us all together as a family. In knowing that, I have great assurance that He, as my Father, will help me in my role as Mother.

God has put so many people in our path to help us find Hannah. In hindsight it's so easy to connect the dots. I'm grateful that the Lord promises blessings after the trial of our faith. Because of faith and trials, I am a different person than I was 14 years ago when I got married and became a wife. I am a different person than I was 7 years ago when I became Alexander's mother, and I am a different person than I was 6 months ago when I learned I would become Hannah's mother.

I am different. I am ready.

God help me.

One Less

One Less by Matthew West (The Story Behind The Song) from emicmg on Vimeo.
A fellow adoptive mother shared this video on her blog. I loved it too much not to share it on mine. I hope it touches your heart, as well.

The Times They Are A Changin'

Come gather 'round people

Wherever you roam

And admit that the waters

Around you have grown

And accept it that soon

You'll be drenched to the bone.

If your time to you

Is worth savin'

Then you better start swimmin'

Or you'll sink like a stone

For the times they are a-changin'.

- Bob Dylan

I guess I'd better get swimmin'.

August

August. The eighth month of the year. The month that comes after July and before September. It was named after Caesar Augustus. It is the month that many go back to school. It is also a month that never had any real meaning for me until 1991.

In 1991, I came back from my church mission 6 months early due to health reasons. That is another blog entry for another time, but I came home feeling like I never finished something I had committed to do. I spent a lot of time on my knees, praying, and trying to figure out what was next for me. After praying one night I had the distinct impression to wait for August. I had no idea what that meant and I wasn't given any more detail. It was June, so I assumed whatever was going to 'change my life' would happen in 2 months.

August 1991 came and went. If something life changing had happened, I missed it. I decided to wait for the next August. Again, August 1992 ended with no significance. Perhaps I was mistaken about my impression. August 1993 arrived, then left, leaving nothing of interest at my doorstep. By this time, my eyes were only half-opened to any experiences that might prove meaningful. My faith was waning, and when August 1994 proved to be just like the previous years, I had all but given up on anything I may have felt on that hopeful June evening 3 years prior.

Then August 1995 arrived. Without going into the many, lengthy details of the evening of August 18th, (again, another blog post) the night ended with me having met my future husband.

Fast forward a few years. John and I have been married for 2 years and have tried in vain to have children. Another 2 years have passed and I've had it with all the fertility procedures. It's too much and I'm tired of having hope ripped out of my hands by holding negative pregnancy test after negative pregnancy test. After a lot of talking and research, we decide we will adopt our children. It takes us a year to finish our paperwork and we are approved for adoption in July 2002. We were told it takes an average of 2 years to get a baby, so we didn't have high expectations. In May 2003, we were called into the adoption agency to 'update our paperwork'. It turns out we were called into the agency because we were chosen to adopt a baby boy. Our son, Alexander was born on August 3rd.

Fast forward again. We want to adopt another child, but after waiting 5 years, we decide we need to look into other options. We discovered international adoption as a viable option for us and more interestingly, we found out that the country of Serbia was a wonderful place to adopt a child. Serbia is where John's paternal grandfather was born, and we loved the idea of intersecting our past family with our future family. On March 27, 2010, we received an email asking us if we were interested in adopting a little girl from Serbia whose previous adoptive family had backed out. Of course, we said yes, and we began the paperwork process again. We were told that the little girl was 16 months old, so throughout the whole process we believed she was born around the end of November or beginning of December. As we were booking our plane tickets, we needed a ticket for Hannah, but the travel agency said they needed her birthday in order to book her ticket. I emailed our contact to see if we could get Hannah's birthday. I received an email back from her with Hannah's birthday listed.

That's right, August 27th.

Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding."

Romans 8:28 "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God..."

2nd Nephi 10:17: "For I will fulfil my promises which I have made unto the children of men..."

Alma 37:17: "For he will fulfil all his promises which he shall make unto you, for he has fulfilled his promises which he has made unto our fathers."

A date! Finally!

So okay, I'm not the greatest blogger. In fact, I hate writing, but I will do my best to catalog this important event in our life and the life of Hannah.

We worked very hard to get all of our paperwork ready and thought we would be traveling to get our daughter in July. Unfortunately, we found out that adoptions are not processed during July or August. It was almost more than I could take. It's like thinking your 8 months pregnant and then finding out that you're really only 5 months along. I told John that I would go crazy and we needed to plan a vacation, pronto! In less than a week, we planned an awesome vacation to Spokane, Washington and stayed at the Riley's cabin on Loon Lake for a week. Aaaahhhh.....it was one of the most relaxing vacations I've ever been on and it did wonders to ease my anxiety.

I feel it was an act of God who mercifully made the next 2 months go by quickly. My only heartache was knowing that Hannah was still in her orphanage instead of being in our home. I spent the time painting her room, shopping for her clothes, remodeling her closet, shopping for her shoes, setting up her crib and bedroom furniture, and shopping for her dresses and hair bows.

In record time, September was here and I sent an email to our contact asking her to let us know the latest update on our progress. She let us know that she was meeting with the MO this week, and it would be easier to let her know when we were available to travel. We let her know our schedule, and this morning we received an email asking us if October 20 would work.

I was taking Alexander to school when I received a call from John. He asked me if I had anything going on on October 20th. I answered, saying that I knew that was the day Kenny was going into the Missionary Training Center, but other than that I didn't know of anything. I asked him if it was the evening that I needed to be available, and he said that no, it was more of an all day thing. I had no clue what he was trying to do. He then said that it was the date that we had been given for our appointment. I was shocked. I have no idea why it didn't click with me, but I will blame it on mom brain.

Now I have 6 weeks to go. It seems like an eternity now, but I know it will pass quickly. There is still a lot to do. We finally get to book our plane tickets. We finally get to find an apartment to rent. We finally get to tell people that we know when we're going to get our little girl.

I wonder how much of the language I can learn in 6 weeks?

The Beginning of a Journey

This is my attempt at documenting our journey to adopt our little girl, Hannah. The story actually starts about 25 years ago when I was introduced to a friend's grandmother. She was an amazing women that I loved immediately. She was kind, gracious, genuine, beautiful, full of charity - so many things that I admired. And her name was Hannah. I had never heard that name before and I loved it. I decided that day that when I had a daughter of my own, her name would be Hannah.

Later on, I learned the story of Hannah in the Bible. She wanted a child so very much for so very long. This would also be a connection between me and Hannah. I wanted children so very much for so very long and am unable to conceive.

This is the meaning behind the name Hannah: It is of Hebrew origin, and its meaning is "favored grace". In the Bible, Hannah was the mother of the prophet Samuel. Being barren, she asked God to bless her with a child, and her prayer was answered. Hence, the name literally means "God has graced me with a son".

I have learned to love the name even more with its connection to being blessed with children.