Baby Steps

Today we visited Hannah twice.  In the morning she started out with crying and throwing her tantrum when she saw us.  I sat back and opened up Alexander's backpack that had crayons and coloring books and a Cinderella story book.  She wanted to look through the book and she eventually let me read it with her.  There were chickens on some of the pages and I started saying 'bock bock'.  Soon, when we would turn to a page with a chicken, Hannah would say 'bock bock'.  We played with crayons and drew pictures and put all of them into the pockets of her dress.  I let her dictate the closeness of our interaction and at one point we were calling each other on our phones.  She smiled and leaned in and touched her forehead to mine (she did this twice).  I took that as a good sign.

In the afternoon we returned again.  When we got there Hannah was not happy we were there.  Her nurses turned her over to us, though, and didn't interfere at all.  Although it was a little scary, I think it helped immensely.  Hannah realized that she needed to deal with us being there because no one was coming to her rescue.  At one point she threw herself on the floor and cut her lip.  I picked her up against her protests and took her to the sink in the bathroom and washed her lip.  She settled down as I wiped water across her mouth and she stared at herself in the mirror.  She allowed John and Alexander to be in the room with us and she even let John rub her head for a minute.  Then she decided he was done and she started up again. John and Alexander went down the hall and I held her to try and settle her down.  She finally relaxed into my chest and let me rub her back.  I sang to her again and just talked to her about everything that was going on with a soft voice. 

From that point she let me play with her and tickle her.  Then I asked her if she wanted to play.  We got up and she took my hand and led me down the hall.  A nurse gave her some deflated balloons and I started shooting them into the air.  She just laughed and laughed.  She would get the balloon and give it back to me and then take a deep breath in, in anticipation of the balloon launch. It would shoot above her head and she would laugh.  We did this for a number of minutes.  Then we walked around some more - each time her taking me by the hand and leading me where she wanted to go.  She was talking to one nurse and the nurse told her to go with her mama so she came over to me and took my hand and we left.  At another point we made it back to the same nurse and the nurse asked her where her mama was.  Hannah turned and looked at me and pointed to me.  I beckoned her to come to me and she ran over to me.  We brushed each others hair and put bows in our hair.  She didn't want anything to do with them until I put them in my hair and wore them around for awhile.  Then it was her turn to wear them. We had a wonderful time together. 

John and Alexander kept at arms length.  Every so often they would enter the scene and Hannah would allow Alexander to talk to me and not get upset.  He came when I was shooting the balloons and wanted to try it himself.  She sat and watched as I showed Alexander how to do it.  She let him kiss her on the cheek a couple of times, but she didn't want to linger around him.  (It became apparent yesterday that she is very jealous of Alexander and any attention that I give him.).  She was also more open to John's presence.  She didn't want him close at all, but she didn't start crying when she saw him or if he walked past her.  She also let him kiss her goodbye. (We think that she is nervous about John because she hasn't been around men at all.).

We left when it was dinner time.  She didn't want me to feed her, but she was especially upset when I let her go with the nurse and said goodbye.  She did not want me to leave.  We went and got our coats and bags and when we came out to get the elevator I didn't notice her down the hall but John did.  He said that she was straining to see me, so I looked down the hall and she was looking to see me.  I waved and blew kisses and she watched me and was okay. 

Overall it felt very positive.  John is struggling with seeing any progress since she won't let him be around to see it, but he was excited when I told him about our interaction and I pointed out the baby steps she had made with him and Alexander.

My favorite times today were this afternoon when she looked straight and deep into my eyes.  She held my gaze for a few moments and seemed to be asking, "Are you really here for me?"  "Do you really love me?" "I think I like you and I think I can trust you." "Don't let me down!"  She did that again a little while later as if to say, "I'm just checking to see if this is still for real.".  It was a real bonding moment for me and I think it was for her, as well.

Baby steps are happening, and in the right direction.  Please pray that she will start bonding with John and Alexander.

And thank you for your comments.  They are so helpful and supportive - more than you know.